A Masculine Woman – Playing With Femininity

Now in my 30s finally tapping into my feminine side, after decades of shutting it down and focussing on my masculine, protective side.

Growing up, I was a tomboy and to this day, I’m a woman with a lot of “masculine” energy. I have always been independent, because I had to be from a young age. I grew a thick skin, didn’t show my tears, didn’t let anyone help me with anything — to the point that I really started to suffer.

I desperately wanted to have someone in my life who I could depend on, but it was drilled into my head by my stern grandmother to only depend and rely on myself. Always have savings. Work for your own money. Do not depend on anyone! They will screw you over.

Now as an adult, I see that she was projecting her pain from her husband who had betrayed her trust. She was and still is a very bitter woman. However, at the time – I absorbed everything she drilled into my head as if it was my life’s goal to be the perfect carbon copy of everything she said to me. She was the only sober and stable person I had to look up to, her house was always clean, she read books, she had a gorgeous garden, her sheets were crisp and clean…it was all the opposite of what my home life was – it felt like paradise.

I have an older brother who I admired growing up as well but he kind of hated my guts. Who wanted to hang out with their annoying little sister? I did everything I could…