Abortion & Unexpected Suicidal Ideation

My personal experience with being completely blindsided with suicidal thoughts when pregnant and undergoing an abortion.

I never wanted children — I knew this from a very young age. Growing up with parents who were abusive and addicts, I wanted to leave nearly every day. I wanted new parents, a new environment — anything but what I had. However, my father forced us to lie when the social workers came to our door or visited us at school. He threatened us and brainwashed us, so my brother and I lied through gritted teeth and said obediently “everything's fine at home”.

Everything was not fine. I made a pact to myself, long before I was even old enough to conceive, that if I were ever to have children, I would adopt. There are way too many kids out there who needed a better option, so I committed to that and have never looked back. I even tried to convince multiple doctors to let me get my tubes tied, but they all said the same thing — you may want kids one day! I hate that comment and assumption with a passion — why can’t a woman choose to not have children without shame and pressure?

So — I spent my life avoiding getting pregnant. Not only because I didn’t want children, but also because I was terrified of having an abortion. I was very successful with that for 20 plus years, but then to my disbelief, it happened. I stood there staring at two lines on the pregnancy test — positive. Who was I kidding — I knew…