Learning To Cry Again

I cried a lot as a child and was shamed for it. Learning to cry again as an adult was one of the healthiest decisions I have ever made.

My mom was an alcoholic/drug addict — back then, it hurt me so much when she would shut me down for crying.

I cried a lot as a child and it was always a huge inconvenience to her. She would judge me, shame me, get angry at me — and I always felt like something was deeply wrong with me.

“Just look at you!” She would say.

My eyes continued to well up with tears.

“What is wrong with you?”

I can picture her facial expression vividly right now and it disgusts me. It’s so disturbing. That look of zero empathy and fake confusion. Her stupid scrunched-up grimace — mouth open as she raised her voice and the tension began to rise. She would of course repeat herself and really stress the word “wrong.”

“Just LOOK at you…what’s WRONG with you? What’s going on with you? Something is obviously going on with you…”

Thinking to myself….I would fucking tell you what's wrong with me but the last five thousand times I told you, it went through one ear and out the other you selfish bitch. Little do you know, right now I’m sitting here trying with all my might to hold back tears because when I cry I feel like I’m a useless, retarded child who would be better off dead.