Tips for Dating Someone Who Grew Up with Addict Parents
Throughout my entire adult life, I have felt fairly misunderstood in relationships when certain things trigger me and cause some kind of reaction that feels abnormal compared to others. It took many years to realize why I reacted with such sensitivity and pain to simple things, like when my boyfriend was late and didn’t communicate that to me would ruin my day or how I felt like crying immediately when his voice raised, even in the slightest bit.
I’m now in my 30’s and have recognized the reasons for these reactions for years (it took a lot of counselling, a lot of research, a lot of yoga/meditation and a lot of life experience).
I feel compelled to share some tips with anyone who may be dating someone whose parents were/are addicts, in case it helps, even in the slightest way.
I should mention that I’m not a counsellor, I’m not a professional, I’m just speaking from experience. These may or may not apply to your partner, but I can guarantee, some of them will.
Tip #1: Listen actively and Engage
I can’t stress this enough, active listening is the most important by far. People who grew up with addicts often feel like they never got the attention they needed and what they said was never heard, valued or remembered. If you can master the skill of active listening, you’re way ahead of the game in any relationship!
Sure, sitting there and simply hearing to your partner talk is one thing, but it’s very important to do this in an engaging way. Especially when it comes to important conversations that are clearly very important to your partner.
To listen actively, it takes patience and practice. Put your phone down for a minute, look away from your screen, set aside some time and look them in the eyes, focus all your attention on your partner. When they speak, show them you’re listening with your body language, nod, smile, say things like “yeah, i hear your” or even a simple “mmm” at the appropriate moment. Acknowledge what they have said by paraphrasing or mirroring some of it back to them. If they are telling you about a really stressful day with a colleague, you dont need to offer advice, you just need to create space for them, so just acknowledge by saying “wow, your day sounds hard honey” or “did he really say that? what else happened?”.
If you hold a safe, non judgemental space for them, they will feel supported, which is something that any child of an addict longs for.
Side note: If its an inconvenient time for you to be engaged, communicate that to your partner. That would sound something like this “Hey love, I’m just in the middle of finishing up a work email, are you free for this chat in 30? It sounds important and I want to give you my undivided attention.” Boundaries in a respectful way.
Tip #2: When you say you’re going to do something, either do it, or communicate with them why you can’t or won’t
People who grew up with parents who were addicts all have one huge thing in common: their parents were unstable, unreliable and inconsistent. Maybe they said they would pick you up from school or soccer practice at 5pm and didn’t show up until way later, causing you to lie to your friends and say you saw their car down the street or call another family member to come get you.
Maybe they promised a certain surprise, but didn’t follow through or completely forgot about it. Regardless, they forgot, they were drunk/high, they lost track of time — there was always some kind of excuse.
My big tip here is if you say you’ll be there at 5pm, it doesn’t mean you have to be there on time if you’re stuck in bad traffic or something came up, just do your best, and if you’re not? Call them, text them, communicate with them beforehand as to why you can’t make it or how far behind you’ll be. Do not ghost them because you’re afraid, just let them know. It will go a long way, trust me.
Tip #3: Understand that things you might not understand may affect your partner in a way that you can’t relate to
This might be as simple as a raised voice causing them to shut down, cry or react negatively. It may also be specific things like a cupboard slammed, a door slammed or a loud TV in the other room.
For example, the sound of a hand sliding across a steering wheel almost brings me to tears with frustration, because my mom drove drunk almost every day and she always had really dry hands. They would make a sound as she loosely held the wheel and dragged it along her palms. I was in at least 8 car accidents with her before the age of 14, so this became a massive trigger thats deeply rooted.
You might think it’s stupid or silly and they should just get over it, but try to have compassion. These are likely things that are built into them as knee jerk reactions because they were events that occurred while they were still developing. Try asking questions about it and asking what you can do to support them in getting through those challenging moments.
Tip #4: Honesty and openness is utmost important to them
BE HONEST. Someone who has grown up with an addict has been through a ton of lies, I can promise you that! So, if your partner has addict parents, they may question you more and that might infuriate you, making you feel like they are always interrogating you and ultimately don’t trust you.
It’s testing your patience, I know.
But just remember, the people they learnt trust from, were not trustworthy and dependable people! So the best way to deal with this is to build trust by being honest about things they don’t even ask you.
I learnt this because one of my boyfriends years ago would offer me information without me even having to ask and in the end, I learnt trust through that relationship. I never knew what that felt like before then and it was the biggest gift.
He would come home and say “I ran into my ex today, just thought you should know” or “I did some drugs tonight with the boys” or “that girl is really beautiful” in a respectful way, and yet, he made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl in the world to him. It didn’t shake my trust, it built it. I felt secure and that was very new.
These things take time, and you may feel weird doing it, but again, I promise you, it pays off.
Tip #5: Get counselling alone, or with your partner
This is a huge one. If you have no idea what you’re doing but you truly love this person and want to make it work but just cant seem to see eye to eye…get support! It is the biggest compliment to your partner, being willing to put in the work to learn to have empathy for their situation even if you don’t understand it.
If they aren’t comfortable going with you, go alone and ask for support — I assure you, regardless of the outcome of your relationship, it will help you.
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After reading this you might be thinking to yourself…well, I love this person so much, but is it worth all this work?
Only you can answer that question, but if the answer is yes, there’s one thing you should know about people who grew up with parents as addicts. All they have ever longed for is consistent love and support…and if you give that to them, they will love you stronger than anything you can imagine, because there is a void in every child of an addict, looking to be filled, with true, authentic, love.
Love is the answer.
